Blog of Evans McGowan - ƒ a r ƒ e t c h i n g

Shedding the Should: Identity Identification

2/27/2014

Since August 2013 when my two-year residency at First Pres Ann Arbor came to a close, I have been unemployed and working on a book about my grandfather.

I've discovered that writing is hard, and writing one's first book even is even harder. Granted, I've been traveling throughout the fall and finally landed in Kaua'i with my wife Emily. We are still trying to secure suitable housing in a place that is both incredibly beautiful AND expensive.

Not being settled or having a routine has not made the writing any easier (like the litote? Anyone, anyone?? Not even my spellcheck?!). And all the devilish thought-demons begin to emerge:

What stories have I told myself that aren't true?
Where am I "shoulding" on myself? I should be this or I should be that...
Doesn't someone need me?
Why not let other set an agenda for me? Striking out on one's own is just too hard.

So for inspiration, I have read a lot of blogs (notice: each word takes you a to different blog), not to mention a ton of eBooks and online videos.

One thing that has become apparent to me is aligning my goals in life with my identity.

Now, I have never been very good at taking on a specific identity. I identified as a "floater" in high school, unwilling to commit or see myself a part of any specific group. Later in college, a mentor had me write "Who Am I?" at the top of the page and fill it out for the next week...

I still have that page, and it is still blank:

And in case you're wondering what is on the other side:

So yeah, I struggle with Who I am and My Purpose in Life. Yet recently I've decided to make some headway in this area.

I realize that my fear of taking on any identity keeps me muddled in a mental morass of what I am suppose to do day-to-day, let alone my purpose in life.

My solution: Take on an identity moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour.

Maybe eventually I'll work my way up to a day, a week, a month... a lifetime.

But for now, in this moment, I am a blogger. Soon I will transition to being a writer and working on my book. This afternoon I will be a frisbee thrower. Tonight: a husband, a partner. When I'm cooking, I am a cook. When I'm reading, I am a reader.

Sounds simple enough. And maybe once I get used to identifying with these different hats, I will be closer to identifying with me, Evans.

Who is that guy, anyway?

All-Or-Nothing Marriage And Inequality

2/26/2014

Emily and I lighting the unity candle at our wedding.
(The two candles behind us represent are deceased maternal grandfathers, George and Roy, while the two candles in front of us represent our families of origin.)

I just finished reading an excellent piece in the NYT on the current overall state of marriage. I'm also currently trying to finish this post as my wife would like me to get off the computer and spend time with her!

The quick takeaways for me are:

Marriage has changed: we expect more out of the marriage and our mates than previous generations

Marriage takes time: those able to spend more time on their marriage get more out of it, those who spend less get less enjoyment or end up divorced

Marriage is unequal: those with more resources (i.e. rich) are more likely to stay together than those with less resources (i.e. poor).

The resulting inequality marriage success rates reflect the broader inequality in our society. The rich get richer (and stay married) while the poor get poorer (and get divorced).

What ways can we better support our marriages? How can our livelihoods (i.e. jobs) support our spouses? Will companies recognize that a healthy marriage makes for better (i.e. more productive) employees?

Marriage is hard work. It is not all that is cracked up to be. And yet don't those who choose to get married be given every opportunity and support to succeed?

I think so.

How Little We Know

2/24/2014

American hubris, here we go again.

In the wake of the Ukrainian uprising, there have been no shortage of Western opinions on how the U.S. should intervene or what the Ukranians should do.

Perhaps the best discussion I've heard was on my primary (and highly recommended) news source, Democracy Now!

And perhaps the most general advice about possible American involvement in other country's affairs came at the end of this Thomas Friedman piece, "Don't Just Do Something. Sit There.":

But we should have learned some lessons from our recent experience in the Middle East: First, how little we understand about the social and political complexities of the countries there; second, that we can — at considerable cost — stop bad things from happening in these countries but cannot, by ourselves, make good things happen; and third, that when we try to make good things happen we run the risk of assuming the responsibility for solving their problems, a responsibility that truly belongs to them.

To summarize/paraphrase Friedman:

We understand little of other country's complexities
We may be able to stop bad things from happening, but only at considerable cost
Trying to make good things happen replaces self-empowerment of the people

These points are powerful reminders to be cautious in finding solutions to others' problems, both as individuals and as a nation.

Spiders!

2/20/2014

Kaua'i has no poisonous animals or insects, but they have some pretty cool looking spiders(!). There are centipedes that can bite you (thankfully we have plenty of chickens to eat them!, a few scorpions (very rare) as well as mosquitos (introduced probably during the whaling industry's peak in the 1850s). But perhaps the best thing is that there are no snakes in all of Hawai'i!

Nonetheless, the spiders are still my favorite.

Check 'em out:

Cane (?) Spider

Crab Spider
First introduced to control a pest... apparently it didn't work so well.

Crab Spider
The latin name means thorn belly.

Cane (?) Spider

One Billion Rising

2/14/2014

For the second year in a row, Emily participated in a V-day (Valentine's or Vagina, take your pick) event to celebrate women's bodies and bring attention to the abuse women suffer from around the world.

Last year we were in Ann Arbor on the Diag at the University of Michigan. This year we were at the Kaua'i Community College of the University of Hawaii.

The choreographed dance was beautifully done, and ends with hands raised before they slowly lower and point right at you, the audience, to remind us that we all have a duty to stand up and defend women's rights.

A powerful yet celebratory message. You can listen to the amazing song, "Break The Chain," they danced to below.

One billion rising indeed.

Kayaking the Wailua River - Sacred/Secret/Uluwehi Falls Tour

2/12/2014

As part of a freelance writing gig I got for Kaua'i Traveler Magazine, Emily and I went kayaking on the Wailua River with Kayak Kauai.

There are many companies that do this trip, but Kayak Kaua'i were the pioneers and launch directly from the Marina. We were with a group of 12 people, including our excellent guide Jaime who grew up on the island.

The two mile paddle was relatively easy on the broad river. Motor boats were seen on the way back; otherwise we had the river to ourselves other than a few kayaks! Later the river got too shallow so we beached our kayaks, crossed the stream and climbed up some serious roots!

The trail was unbelievably muddy and washed out - the worst in at least 13 years according to one guide. But we made it, er, waded through!

There were even ancient remains of the irrigation canals used to irrigate the taro crops and later sugar cane fields.

Finally we made it to the Falls, known as Secret Falls - the best known Secret, or Sacred Falls, or Uluwehi Falls, which means "lush and beautiful" in Hawaiian.

There were some beautiful offerings at the base of the pool with smaller pools created by rocks a guide had arranged.

Can you see the heart-shape the pool makes?

This offering resembles the traditional Hawaiian dugout canoe.

There were even some people rappelling off the falls! (illegal according to our guide)

And of course, there were chickens and roosters aplenty.

And after we trekked back to the canoes, a beautiful peacock swooped down from the trees onto the riverbank before us!

It was a very serene - even sacred! - stream, and a lovely tour.

Ho'opi'i Hike, East Side Kaua'i

2/4/2014

I did this fun little hike with the two dogs Koa and Uila (pronounced Wee-la) I was sitting and a local MeetUp group, the Kauai Adventure Club. This is a great hike in the Kapahi neighbor just off of Kapahi Road:

View Larger Map

Parking is parallel and off-street, on the opposite side from the houses:

You can find the trailhead at the yellow gate marking a public access dirt road:

The trail begins quite broadly but quickly narrows and you feel like you are going deep into the heart of the jungle:

Soon you come across the lush Kapa'a stream running through the forest.

And in less than a mile you arrive to the first of two falls:

Some people, like our unofficial guide Manfred who has been living here for 30 years, swan dive off the far side of the falls (but only after checking for rocks and debris below first, of course!).

The next section of the trail goes through some pristine forest of what I believe are called wiliwili trees, with a lush tropical vine growing on them I see everywhere on Kaua'i but can't remember the name! ...It reminds me of kudzu.

A little while longer and you come across some larger falls. In high water, the falls apparently go all the way across the stone rim!

There is a trail around to the right that leads down a fairly steep but doable trail to the bottom, where you are richly rewarded with a nice picnic and swimming area, complete with a rope swing!

All in all, a great, short, refreshing hike not ten minutes from where we live!

What Drives Success?

2/3/2014

As my wife and I seek to make a living in a very beautiful but expensive place (Kaua'i), we are constantly exploring different ideas on how to be successful.

That is, we are trying to answer: How do we make money such that we can stay and keep on living in this wonderful place?(!)

People here in Kaua'i do all kinds of things to make a living. Tourism is the number one industry, followed perhaps by the big agricultural industry (which has transformed from sugar cane to ranching to now GMO-testing or tourist ranches). Then there is construction, environmental monitoring/protecting, bodywork, small businesses serving various clientele, etc.

Overarching lesson: Each person has had to be quite creative to make a living here.

Given our experience, I read the NYT article, "What Drives Success?" There are lots of details and anecdotes, but the core reasons that drive success culturally are in this key paragraph:

It turns out that for all their diversity, the strikingly successful groups in America today share three traits that, together, propel success. The first is a superiority complex — a deep-seated belief in their exceptionality. The second appears to be the opposite — insecurity, a feeling that you or what you’ve done is not good enough. The third is impulse control.

To summarize, cultures who have these traits/beliefs tend to be more successful as a group. They believe they are:

They believe they are Exceptional
They feel they are Insecure
They have a high degree of Impulse Control

The last point is no surprise for those familiar with The Marshmallow Test:

So controlling one's impulses while having a sense of insecurity yet also a sense of exceptionality leads to success in groups, in general. This makes sense to me, and therefore the stories we tell to ourselves and to each other are crucial to our belief system and our future success.

Here's to telling positive, inspirational stories that also remind us of our insignificance/mortality, all the while building up our patience and perseverance!

Pastoral Care: Listening is a Skill

2/2/2014

One of my top skills on LinkedIn is "Pastoral Care."

I've always found pastoral care to be an enigma. Compared to doctors, firefighters, psychologists and others who give care to people, a pastor's care feels somehow both superficial and substantive.

I would venture to say that most spiritual things embody this conflicting traits: superficial yet substantive.

Pastoral care training is essentially about becoming a better listener.

It takes an incredible amount of attention and a lot of humility.

It is like meditating in someone else's head.

I thought about this after reading this story from the comments section of this post:

"I remember a mini-Paradigm Shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly -- some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people's papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too.

So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, "Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn't control them a little more?"

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, 'Oh, you're right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don't know what to think, and I guess they don't know how to handle it either.'

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn't have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man's pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. "Your wife just died? Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?"

Everything changed in an instant."

When we listen with intention and care, we get out of ourselves and into another.

We enter a new world.

And our world is forever changed.

May you listen today with all of our mind, all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your strength.